Before I begin, I must apologise to Husband, who, as house-trained husbands go, is actually pretty good. I also must apologise to the many men who are surely out there who are true domestic gods.
After some careful and considered research (ie chatting with my friends), it seems that there are some things that most men are just completely incapable of comprehending. Such as:
- if you have to step over something because it's in your way, it probably doesn't go there. Pick it up and put it away.
- the cereal won't go soft and rubbish if you close the packet.
- that tea bags, fish fingers, salt, washing-up liquid, toilet rolls, shower gel, and in fact all things, do not just appear as if by magic. Someone has to go out and buy them. Preferably before the last one has run out.
- if you or the magic replenishment fairy has actually bought a new one before the last one has run out, use the last one before opening the new one.
- if we wanted all our stuff on display at all times, we would have bought shelves, not cupboards and drawers. Close them.
- women have a code. "Dinner's nearly ready" means "come and get the cutlery and tell me how much mash you want". It does NOT mean, "start doing something else at the other side of the house". "Do you know where the such-and-such is?" is not a question which requires a yes or no answer. It is an instruction for you to go and look for it.
- that sinks, baths and showers aren't self-cleaning, just because they have water in them
- that the woman carrying your child does not give a tiny rat's ass if you are tired, or miserable, or uncomfortable.
- that food is cooked when it is hot and not burned, not when the packet tells you it is.
- that saying you were going to do something nice as a surprise, but then changed your mind and didn't, is not quite as good. Just don't say anything.
- that we will never believe that the baby really likes watching you play Grand Theft Auto.
- that it's only nagging because you didn't listen and do it properly the first three hundred times.
And of course, that women are utterly perfect and have no flaws whatsoever.