Because what the internet needs is more wittering about rubbish parenting

Friday, 30 April 2010

Mess, Mess, Mess, Mess, Mess.

In case you couldn't have guessed from my title, it's been a messy couple of days. The Baby has had a stomach bug, which has been thoroughly unpleasant for all concerned, and has resulted in more outfit changes between the two of us than Katy Perry at the VMAs. The bug has also coincided with one of my frequent bouts of clumsiness, The Baby deciding to try out new finger foods (such as fish pie. And yoghurt.) and a promise I made to make Toy Story cakes for my nephew's 5th birthday party. What made me think that was something I would be remotely good at, I have no idea. But in for a penny and all that, I trundled off to Asda yesterday to buy supplies. Unfortunately, the bottle of yellow food colouring I picked up happened to be the one with a faulty seal. I carried it around for about five minutes before realising that my hands, shopping list, trolley handle, midriff and baby's forehead were all vivid yellow. And it seems that although baby wipes will remove most substances known to man, including Sharpie permanent markers and gloss point, are defeated by yellow natural food colouring.

Finding myself baking at the odd hour of 9am, I promised myself that today would be cleaner, and diligently removed all traces of cake mixture from the kitchen counters and floor. What a waste of time that was. It turns out, that icing fairy cakes is not one of my strong points, and now my kitchen is covered in icing the colour of the Squeeze Toy Aliens, and my fridge is full of cakes that look nothing like them. And my worktop may now be permanently dyed green, as I knocked the bottle of food colouring all over it.

Off to put the eyes on now. This should be good.

Thursday, 29 April 2010

It's a Funny Old Life...

... that of a working mum. One day you're creating elaborate (and probably unnecessary) spreadsheets and drawing up contracts for musical legends, the next you are dangling a naked baby under the shower to rinse her of bright yellow poo and kiwi fruit seeds.

At least at work, you get paid for cleaning up someone else's sh*t.

Wednesday, 28 April 2010


I totally had something I was going to write about tonight. It was going to be awesome and everything. But now I've forgotten what it was. So I am rubbish.

Tuesday, 27 April 2010

Non-Baby Related Post Alert!

Nothing very exciting has happened with The Baby in the last couple of days, and she's only fallen off the sofa once, so I don't really have anything parenty to relate.

I have, however, become slightly obsessed with the election, and am spending every spare moment reading debates on the internet, watching debates on the TV, reading any papers I can find and generally being a politics bore. I know I'm not exactly the greatest political analyst of my generation, but I know enough to witter on about it at length to anyone who will listen, and Husband, who doesn't want to but has no choice.

Today, I am mostly annoyed about how anyone can think that supporting the BNP is a good thing to do. Their Party Election Broadcast is simultaneously one of the funniest and one of the scariest things I have ever seen. Stirring music, images of Winston Churchill and ridiculous statements of "fact" a go-go. Ugh. Can't go on about this anymore as it's too depressing.

I'm going to go now and read some party manifestos. I don't even know why I'm bothering really, as I know how I'll vote and I live in a seat that is safer than a KiddyInfinity Pro (winner of Which's highest rating for a forward-facing child seat). In a tank.

Sunday, 25 April 2010

The Problem is Choice

"Can I help you there?"
"Yes, we need to buy the next stage car seat for our daughter, please."
"Certainly. What sort of thing are you looking for?"
"A car seat."
"Right. The Group 1 seats are on these 7 shelves here"
"Hmm. There's lots of them. What's that one like?"
"That's the DriveMax Leopard at £99.99. It has 5 recline positions and the unique Grip and Clip fastening system."
"OK, and what about that one?"
"That's the DriveMax Leopard Plus. It costs £189.99"
"Well what's the difference between that one and the first one?"
"The Leopard Plus, instead of the Grip and Clip system, uses the European-approved Clip and Grip system. And it has an integrated cupholder."
"And this one? Is it really £13.99?"
"Yes, that's the Crappia Fling. It is secured using Blu-Tack, and comes with a free child locator key fob, so you can find your baby after it's hurtled through the windscreen."
"That doesn't sound very safe.."
"No, it's not."
"So why do you sell it?"
"We cater for all types of baby here, madam, including those who like to live on the edge."
"Right. What about this one?"
"That is the Seaty 3000. If you have it in green, you can have £20 off, because someone in Head Office ordered too many."
"Ok, we'll take that one."
"Great, they are currently being stored in an aircraft hanger just north of Bristol, so we can deliver it to you in 1-12 working days. Please stay in your house for that whole time, as we can't re-deliver it if we miss you."
"Brilliant. Thanks."
"Have a nice day!"

Friday, 23 April 2010

And She's Off!

This week, The Baby has decided to abandon her "Oh woe, is me, my life is so hard, look at me dragging my poor little body across the carpet" routine. She seems to have figured out that this crawling lark isn't so bad after all. It means that she can GET STUFF, and also that Mammy can't just run off and abandon her, cos she can follow! And, man, is she good at it. I told you she knew how to do it all along. Husband and I are finding this very cute and enchanting, watching her tear off across the room, giggling and looking very pleased with herself. Until we realise she's got her head in the bin, or that she's making for the ironing board (yes, I know we should put it in the cupboard when we've finished doing the ironing. Trouble is, we never finish doing the ironing) or the edge of the stairs. A trip to Asda's baby event was duly made, and baby-proofing gubbins duly purchased. And duly put in a cupboard. We'll install them eventually. Hopefully before she takes her eye out on the corner of the coffee table, or jams her finger in a socket. The stair gate is up though. And I've only stubbed my toe on it twice so far.

Right, I'm off to do some ironing...

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

Working Mammy!

You'll have to forgive me if my posts become less frequent from now on, as now I am officially a working woman once again! And spending all day in front of a computer screen makes me less inclined to spend all evening in front of one too.

I have now been back at work for two whole days! And I haven't quit yet or anything. My brain is a bit melted though - I've been reading contracts for most of the time, so my head is filled with phrases such as "which shall include but are not limited to the clauses contained herein". I have no idea what most of it means, but I think the main gist is usually "if anything goes wrong it can't possibly be our fault".

The Baby seems to be taking it all in her stride. To be honest, I'm not really sure if she's even noticed I've been gone. There are lots of fun toys at nursery, and today she has been with Grandma and Grandad, who give her lots of cuddles and don't ignore her to play on the internet. I did get greeted by a beautiful smile when I came in today, which was nice. Made me feel like she does like me after all.

Hmm. Can hear some very bizarre Darth Vader-type noises coming through the baby monitor. She has a cold and I think it's making her snore. Best go investigate. And then to bed. It's quite tiring this working lark.

Sunday, 18 April 2010

And Now It's Actually Over.

Tomorrow is the big day. I am properly, really, truly, Back At Work. Yay.

No, really. An actual Yay. Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I thought I would be dreading this day. I thought that I would love being off, which I did, and that being away from my child for three days a week would be a horrible thing to contemplate. Which it most certainly is not. I feel very, very bad about this. Surely it is unnatural, and a sign that I am, in fact, a terrible mother, and possibly human being? I love The Baby beyond words, but there is no denying that spending all day, every day with her, when she is quite frequently a grumpy little horror whose favourite game is trying to give me a cuddle, eat the Sky remote, pull my hair and crawl across the floor all at the same time, is somewhat trying. To be honest, I think she gets bored of me too. I would. Perhaps the separation will inject a new lease of life into our relationship. And if it doesn't, at least I will get to eat lunch three days a week.

Friday, 16 April 2010

Hi Ho, Hi Ho..

It is off to work I went!
I had a training kind of day at work yesterday, which mostly consisted of learning what my new job is, and eating cheesecake. It was quite a good day, but very weird. In some ways, it felt like I'd been away 10 minutes, not 10 months. But I miss my old office and my old team already. I never thought I'd be saying that, as the office was a former cupboard that has no natural light or fresh air, and my team used to drive me mad by moaning about stuff and not doing their timesheets properly. Ah well, I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder, or something. It is a good thing I'm out of there though, as it's a very sweary office, and as The Baby is starting to say things approximating words, I really need to work on my language. I don't really want her first word to be twatbasket.

I don't think it's going to be too bad making the transition back into working life from my motherhood bubble. I managed to avoid doing the thing I feared most yesterday, which was referring to myself as Mammy in a sing-song voice, as I have been known to do that when The Baby is nowhere in sight. I was asked by many colleagues if I was missing her. I felt that the Good Mammy answer to that question would be "Oh yes, it's so hard to be away from her, I feel like a part of me is missing". The honest answer, however, is "Are you kidding me?". As much as I love my grumpy little child, there is no denying that a break every now and then is WONDERFUL, even if it is to go to work. I was more worried about how Husband was coping, as somehow, he had managed to go ten months without having her on his own for a full day. They managed (he took her shopping, her favourite activity), he even managed to put her in an outift that matched, and she was apparently quite nice all day. He did say "I don't know how you do it every day", though. Of course you don't. You are a man, and therefore a little bit rubbish.

And guess what?! We finally, FINALLY are getting a tooth! Really! Poking out of The Baby's gum, is unmistakeably, indisputably, the point of a tooth. My fears of her remaining toothless forever are gone. Yay!

Tuesday, 13 April 2010


Well, that was a stress about nothing!

It seems The Baby likes nursery! She did scream when she realised I was about to leave her, but she'd started to settle before I'd even left the room. The nice nursery lady whose name I've already forgotten took her off to read a story, and she was fine. The Baby's affections are fickle, and are easily bought with a crinkly book. And she was apparently fine all day. I think she really enjoyed it.

I really enjoyed it too. In fact, I feel slightly guilty about how much I enjoyed it. It's the first time I have left my one and only precious child with strangers, and I barely gave it a second thought once I'd driven away. The gorgeous sunshine and the fact that I got about 3 weeks worth of jobs done helped a bit mind. I almost gave them a ring at lunchtime, but only because I felt I should do a bit of an Anxious Mammy act, not because I was actually worried about her. I wonder if they thought I was really cold and uncaring for not sheeding a tear, or bothering them with frantic calls..

I am slightly concerned though. I think they have given me back the wrong baby. They have given me back a child who plays happily by herself, slept through the night, and has been smiling and laughing and giving me lovely cuddles all day. I don't know who she is, but I like her.

Sunday, 11 April 2010

Nerves Kicking In.....


It's The Baby's first full day at nursery tomorrow. Eek! On the one hand, I am looking forward to tomorrow immensely - after three days of solid horridness, can you blame me? And I will finally get chance to clean the cesspit formerly known as my house. On the other, I'm bloody terrified. She is a bit poorly, so very clingy, so it's going to break my heart to leave her as she WILL scream (she screamed when I went to the toilet at a friend's house today, so it doesn't bode well). I'm also convinced I will forget to take something, or have forgotten to tell them something. Motherhood has taken over my head so completely, that I am no longer aware of thinking about it. I don't know how to tell anyone else how to look after my child. It's like when someone else is covering your job when you go on holiday, and the minute you're on the plane you remember about 12 things that you forgot to tell them because you do them on autopilot. Oh well. She will only be there for 9 hours, I'm sure nothing can go wrong in that time. And I do believe they have some experience in looking after children.

The worst thing about her going to nursery is it makes me feel like she is now a Big Girl. Don't like it. I'm sure I will have changed my tune on Tuesday, when I've got her back and she punishes me for leaving her....

I'll let you know how it goes.

Saturday, 10 April 2010

Mundane Thought

I have nothing very interesting to say today, especially on the subject of The Baby - she still has a cold, she's still whingey, she's still covered in snot, and she may or may not be showing signs of teething yet again. Blah blah blah. You're all bored of reading that, I bet.

So instead, I am going to share an equally interesting thought I had today while cooking my tea. Or, to be more precise about it, microwaving a Sainsbury's chinese ready meal. We have one of those shiny exciting microwaves that has all kinds of preset programmes to cook things, and is also an oven. Does anyone actually know how to use any of those settings? Has anyone in the history of the world ever roasted a chicken using their microwave? You might be able to do it at the touch of a button, but has anyone ever figured out which button that might be? I put mine on full power, turn it on for a few minutes, and turn it off when the food has all spilled over the sides of the container. Is that not the normal way to use a microwave?

There. Who said motherhood turns your brain to mush?

Thursday, 8 April 2010

One Of Them Days

Ugh. It's a bit rubbish sometimes, this mothering lark. Today has been a Bad Day. It started when I woke up, with a very bad throat and head, to a small crash, and went in to find The Baby lying uder her mobile. Not lying under it like you're meant to lie under it, but with it actually on top of her. She had somehow managed to loosen it, and I have no idea how it didn't hit her in the face. It kind of went from there really. I was feeling a bit poorly and wanted to lie on the sofa feeling sorry for myself; The Baby developed an aversion to the living room, and also to sitting quietly. We did some playing in various odd corners of the house, pausing every 5 minutes for a fit of pitiful whingeing. Hers, not mine (although I was close). I was clock-watching from lunchtime until 5pm, when Husband got home and I ran away.

I've just realised, this happened after the last time I left her. This is punishment. Going back to work is going to be fun.

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Absence Makes The Heart Grow...

.....resentful and whingey apparently.

The Baby had her settling-in visits to nursery this week, and today we had to leave her for a whole two hours. (Almost. We were a bit late.) It was not as traumatic as I had been expecting. Thank the Lord for activity centres. We don't have one, but The Baby loves them, so we plonked her in one by way of distracting her from the fact we were abandoning her to strangers, and beat our retreat. She didn't cry until we were out of the door, so thankfully out of sight and earshot! I knew she probably would cry, but knew it wouldn't be for long, as lunch wasn't that far away, and a mother's loving embrace cannot possibly compare to freshly prepared toad-in-the-hole.

When we return, I was hoping for a big beaming smile and fierce cuddle to show me that she'd missed me. Nope. What I got was a tired, screaming, red-faced Baby, who practically threw herself out of my arms to get to Husband. Humph. She knows this nursery business is my fault, I can tell. First full day on Monday.....

The developmental spurt continues, however. Today we have been watching The Baby push her walker around the living room, toddling along like a happy little (if drunken) old lady taking her shopping home from Tesco in one of those tartan trolleys. She's also starting to copy us saying bits and pieces - pretty sure we're getting "Hiya" and "Hello", and I definitely heard her copy Husband saying "Oh, Baby" (well, actually he said her real name, but as you know, I refuse to reveal that on here, lest Social Services swoop in and take her away from me for being a terrible mother) when she threw a spoonful of yoghurt across the kitchen. Really really must stop swearing now. Don't want her first sentence to be "**** off, you ******* ****basket".

Monday, 5 April 2010

Bored Now

You know when you're doing something really really tedious for days on end? There comes a point, when you go, "Sack this, I'm going to the pub". Sadly, when the task in question is listening to your child whinge unhappily and wiping up her eye snot, you can't really do that. It is somewhat frowned upon.

The Baby, Husband and I seem to be passing a cold around, and taking it in turns to be utterly pathetic with it. Today is her turn. Bless her little poorly face, she has just not known what to do with herself at all. Put in her in front of the tv, she whinged. Gave her some toys, she whinged. Cuddled her, she whinged. Put her down to sleep, she whinged. Gave her some food.. she smiled and ate it all. She can't be that ill then.

Hopefully she'll be better tomorrow, as we've got a big day! Her first settling-in session at nursery (if they don't take one look at her green and gooky eyes and turn us away, that is). Unless she has a miraculous recovery overnight, I can't see this going well.

Friday, 2 April 2010

Here Comes Trouble

The Baby is having another one of those developmental spurts. In the last few days, she has got the hang of:
  • Waving - but sometimes not until about two minutes after the person she's waving at has left.
  • Clapping - kind of, she still only opens one fist, so it looks a bit like a vaguely threatening punching gesture.
  • Pulling herself up - she's been doing this on people for a while, but now she can totally do it on inanimate objects too. I left her sitting in her cot for a few minutes, and came back to find her standing and grinning like a maniac
  • Drinking her milk out of her beaker by herself - but sometimes she is just bloody lazy and makes me hold it for her
  • Crawling! - Finally,yay! And today she even crawled around on the floor for a good few minutes without whingeing about it!
  • Undoing her nappy - a bit less yay. You now have to put her vest on with superhuman speed or she WILL get to those tabs.
  • Laughing like a maniac - see the last post!
Unfortunately, she seems to have lost the knack of eating properly. When she has any type of finger food, if there is more than one piece in front of her, she will pick up a piece, take a bite, then drop it, pick up another one, take a bite, drop it, giggle, pick up another one... A bit like Reese Witherspoon with those chocolates in Legally Blonde (without the giggling).

It's Easter this weekend (you all knew that, you're not stupid). Debating letting her have her first chocolate button. Not sure there's any point, as she gets excited enough about a spelt biscuit. God knows what chocolate is going to do to her.

Have a good one, folks x