Why will The Toddler not stay asleep all night, instead of waking up at random hours demanding a cuddle, a drink, or a song?
Why, when she asks for a song in the middle of the night, will she neither go to sleep without one, nor tell me which song she wants?
Why will The Littl'un not make up her mind about whether she wants a night feed or not? And if she wants one, can she not want it at roughly the same time every night? Feed at 1am, 3am, 5am, or none til 8am - the inconsistency of it is driving me up the wall. I think I would actually cope better if I knew she would wake every two hours without fail. I'd be knackered, but at least I wouldn't be harbouring any hope that tonight might be a sleeping-through night.
Why can I not just get on and feed her when she does wake up, instead of fruitlessly trying to get her to settle back down, until I'm nearly crying and go "Oh for God's sake, I'll bloody feed you then!"?
Why can I not find any of The Littl'un's dummies? Has she eaten them? Or are they just secreted away somewhere in this disaster zone which is my house?
Why is The Toddler asking me for grapes? She has eaten a bowl of rice crispies, half a bowl of cornflakes, a plum, a biscuit, a box of raisins, a crumpet with cheese, a lump of cucumber, three-quarters of an apple and half a banana, and it's only just gone 1 o'clock. Is there no filling this child?
Why am I incapable of putting a nappy on the Littl'un in such a way that it will actually contain her poosplosions? I can't remember the last time we had a one-outfit day.
Why is The Toddler's response to everything I try to give her, ask her, or do to her, "I don't LIKE it!"? And surely there's a better response than "Well, I don't care!"?
Why can't The Toddler just do what I ask her to do the first time, instead of the 34th time after having been threatened with the corner? Why do I ask 34 times, instead of threatening the corner earlier?
Why am I terrified of weaning? I've done it before, and it's not exactly rocket science, but I really feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I think I'm not 100% certain about the baby-led weaning malarkey, but completely sure I'm too lazy to do spoon-feeding. And I'm too paranoid about salt to give her exactly what we're having, so I'm mainly just sticking bits of banana in front of her and hoping for the best.
Why have I been completely unsuccessful in trying to limit The Toddler's TV time. She now tells me about Grandpa Pig fixing the computer in exactly the same way that she tells me she had pasta for dinner. It's worrying. But guess what she's doing right now? (In my defence, I'm feeding The Littl'un).
Is the answer to many, if not most of these questions, "Because I'm a bit crap"? Or is it "Because it's all too confusing"? My greatest fear (well, not my greatest fear in the whole world, that's David Cameron being PM forEVER) is that no-one else asks themselves these questions, because they actually all do know what they're doing, and are confident they're doing it all right. Someone please tell me that's not the case!!