OK, so here is what must have happened. I actually gave birth to identical twins. Thye took one away from me at the hospital, and modified my memory. And there is someone living in my house (possibly in the cupboard under the stairs, or the spare bedroom, they're so full of crap I could have Octomom and her brood in there and not know) who pops out every now and then when I'm not looking, and swaps the babies over.
There's no other explanation. One minute (especially the minutes in the morning) I have a child who doesn't want to do ANYTHING. She doesn't want to eat (or at least, not much, and not with any great enthusiasm), she doesn't want to drink, she doesn't want to sleep, she doesn't want to play, she doesn't want to watch TV, she doesn't want to have a story, she doesn't want to cuddle, she doesn't want to be put down, she doesn't want to climb the stairs. All she wants to do is make a really unpleasant noise, and make faces that suggest her heart is breaking, and it's all my fault. Then all of a sudden, when my back is turned, the stranger in my cupboard pops out and replaces her with Nice Baby. I like Nice Baby very much. She plays happily by herself, until I go over and she gives me a big cuddle and a kiss on the nose. She points at things and says things that sound adorably like words. She grabs her toys, gives them fierce hugs and shrieks with laughter. She smiles, sings, dances, and is generally a joy to behold. But then the stranger in the cupboard takes her away again, and brings Grumpy Baby back. This makes me a little bit sad. Grumpy Baby throws diva strops. They are not fun. Although is it wrong that I find it a little bit funny when she puts her face on the floor, as if she is exhausted by the awfulness of her life?
So if you're listening, stranger in the cupboard, please can I have Nice Baby for a little bit longer tomorrow? And can I maybe have her first thing? 5.30am is a lot easier to deal with without the whingeing. Cheers.