Get Your Tits Out!

I have been asked by a friend to write something about breastfeeding, and as she is my first (and, so far, only) follower, I am only too happy to oblige. Those who are squeamish about this kind of thing, look away now...

I breastfed The Baby for just short of 6 months, although she had a bottle of formula a day from about 8 weeks, and more over the last month as I wound it down. Lots of people will go on and on and on about how wonderful breastfeeding is, and how it is the natural thing to do and how it's better for the baby etc etc, but the main reasons that I did it were:

1. I couldn't be arsed faffing on with bottles and kettles, especially in the middle of the night.
2. It is free.

I'm not sure I quite buy in to all the "Breast is best" propaganda there is out there. It's obviously what boobs are there for (sorry guys, they weren't actually made to be plastered over the pages of Nuts magazine), and I reckon it probably is a bit better than formula, but I've read some stuff (can't remember where, which I realise does not exactly give credence to my argument) that says for every study that says breastmilk is better, there's another one that says it isn't really. Some mums get really militant about this, and say that formula can't possibly be any good because it's not what nature intended, but, you know what, neither are shoes, chemotherapy or Haribo Starmix, but the world would be immeasurably poorer without them.

Right, now I've got my opinions out of the way, here is Bad Mammy's guide to breastfeeding:

• Give it a go, cos it's free.
• If it doesn't work, don't worry about it. As long as your baby gets fed, it'll be fine.
• "If you're doing it right, breastfeeding doesn't hurt" - this is a big fat giant LIE!!! It FUCKING KNACKS! You have a HUMAN BEING chomping on your nipples for 18 hours out of every 24 - how is that not going to hurt?! Thankfully, somebody told me this before I gave birth, otherwise I might have given up. In the end I figured that if it looked like she was getting some milk out, and I wasn't crying in pain, I was probably doing ok.
• It does stop hurting eventually, thank God!
• Do NOT pay attention to the bloody pictures in those bloody books and pamphlets the NHS give you. The babies in those pictures must have had their arms removed for the photoshoot. The nice simple steps the pictures show you don't tell you what you're meant to do when the baby has confused your boob for her own fist and is trying to get milk out of that instead.
• In fact, don't pay too much attention to those books at all. They all say "your baby will open her mouth wide and then you can bring her to your breast". No. She won't actually. She has got her mouth just wide enough to do some ineffective, painful chomping. So that's really helpful. If this happens, simply wait until your baby is screaming its head off, and shove boob into gob.
• Loads of places now have nursing rooms, so you can sit in a room that smells of poo on your own for half an hour. Sod that. Starbucks and Costa have sofas and a nice, mostly liberal clientele which means they can't glare at you for getting your wabs out for fear of looking unenlightened. Starbucks' sales of decaf caramel lattes must have gone way downhill since I stopped feeding.
• They say sleep when your baby sleeps. I also say eat when your baby eats. It's the only time you get a bloody chance. Develop a repertoire of dishes that can be eaten with one hand (sandwiches are good, as are things like shepherd's pie which only need a fork). Remember to clean the crumbs and dribbles of mash out of the baby's ear afterwards.
• Realise that you will never again see your breasts as a private part of you. Especially when your baby gets a bit older and starts getting distracted when she feeds, turning her head to look around her and exposing your nipple to a packed Starbucks.
• Don't wear dresses or long tops without buttons up the front or a low neck. You might look good when you leave the house, but you look stupid hoiking it up to unhook your bra.

If you're about to embark on this adventure, good luck! And buy a Savoy cabbage. Seriously.